Tuesday, February 28, 2012

If Mama Were Here...

The daffodils always arrive just in time for this day.

Six Years Ago today my mom made her journey from this life to her next life. I can't even begin to imagine the kind of homecoming she experienced. I know that I was comforted with the knowledge that if Hunter's time on this earth ended, she'd be there with open arms, ready to care for him. Love him. They are a lot alike.

I miss her still. But I won't pretend that it's not easier. Because it is. The sting of this day is faint. Barely there. More of a slight melancholy rather than an overwhelming feeling of intense grief that it used to produce. But I still acknowledge it. Think about her more on this day. Miss her more on this day.

The daffodils in the yard don't help me to forget. She loved yellow. She loved spring. And they always arrive the week of this anniversary. Always, for the last six years.

The older the kids get, the further we go into this unschooling journey, however, the more I desperately wish she were still around. Sure, I remind myself that it was truly for the best that she never had to endure the pain of seeing her grandson sick. And I remember my faith... that she is in a "better place", as contrite as that sounds. But I can't help but get stuck on the fact that she is missing from my life and that is a HUGE loss for me. It's such a huge loss and I will probably never be able to fill that void.

When she died, she left the void of mama. But she also left the void of best friend and greatest cheerleader I'd ever known.

My mom believed in me.

Unconditionally. No strings attached. She trusted me and believed in everything about me.

And as a parent who is stepping outside of the box and raising her children differently than the mainstream parent, I really really really wish I had my mom around to cheer me on.

She would tell me what a good job I was doing. She would bask in the glory of her three beautiful, smart, funny, unique grandchildren and tell me daily what a fantastic mother I was. She'd remark on how brave I am to choose unschooling and how it makes sense to her... she was just never brave enough to raise me that way. And I'd remind her that it was their radical parenting choices which probably planted the seed for me to try parenting radically myself. Didn't they let me sleep between them until I was nine years old and ready to move next door to my own bed? Didn't they forgo preschool and remind me regularly that a child stretched too thin is an unhappy child? Didn't they sacrifice a big fancy house and fancy cars and fancy clothes in favor of my mom staying home so that she could be there for me 24/7? These were all things I didn't understand at the time, but I get it now.

And I applaud them for these radical parenting choices.

I miss my mom. I wish she were here. I know I have lots of friends who support me and tell me what a great job I'm doing but it's. not. the. same. It's hard to do this job without much support or applause. To make choices that are different than the choices of most parents, despite knowing it's what's right.

But my mom and dad did it. Without support. Without applause. Without the approval of their own family and friends. They did it anyway.

And I thank them for it.

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1 comment:

  1. Thinking of you today. Thanks for sharing those sweet memories. She sounds like a wonderful lady.


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