Holidays are hard for me. No matter what, they are difficult. The 4th of July didn't really hold too much tradition for my family of origin but in general we spent it together until I was a teen. And then I spent it with my friends. Regardless of the memories of old traditions, I miss my mama and even my dad and especially my friends and the connections they held in my mind to certain holidays.
So yesterday, you can imagine how thrilled I was to have real live actual plans with my real live actual family of friends who were connected to those precious memories in my past on a real live actual national holiday. People I love and cherish so deeply that words cannot do my feelings justice. My friends who knew me before I grew up and got married and became sane(r) and who loved me then and for some wild reason, love me now. People who showed me Christ when I didn't know Him and didn't want to know Him. It felt great to spend time with these people, with whom I feel so comfortable. I know that no matter how weird or strange I am, they will always always always be my friends. I need to spend more time with people who hold this kind of position in my life.
We had a special breakfast of yogurt, blueberries, and goji berries to mark the occasion.
After our friends left, we were pretty worn out. Ronin spent some time watching our (new) television while Hunter napped and I vegged on the sofa and watched weird videos about the 1980s on YouTube. If you are an 80s lover like I am, you may find this informational video about Showbiz Pizza to be interesting. Or perhaps you might like to know more about "You Can't Do that On Television". And of course, it's always useful to know about the origins of the "Garbage Pail Kids", right?
Drayken had skipped a nap because we had company and his dad was super tired and I really couldn't stand the thought of taking him to lay down with a man who had been so deprived of sleep all week. This threw him off for his nap. Well, that meant he was ready for bed pretty darned early. This meant that we couldn't even consider going across town for the big fireworks show. But the older two kids went outside in the yard once they started hearing the "pow" (as Drayken has come to call the sound of fireworks). Ronin ran inside asking me if I wanted to join them. At first I did not. I was too busy feeling bummed out. Feeling alone. But then I realized that it wasn't about me and that I would one day long for the time when I was invited to participate in every little detail of the days of my children. So I went outside and we laughed as we ran back and forth across the lawn trying to see the fireworks both to the east and the west of us. Ronin yelled, "Fireworks, come out just for my mommy!" and "I love America!" and "Oh, a red one just for my brother." Her enthusiasm lit me up with gratitude. I still felt alone. But I also felt hope. Because I knew that in just a few short years, the small children would become young adults. Young adults who would truly be my best friend. And suddenly I wouldn't feel a need to be surrounded by friends and family during holidays because I would be. I'd have my children in a way that is different than how I have them now. And their presence would fill up the emptiness in the room and I'd suddenly be cured. It probably won't work that way. But it IS nice to think that one day I might stop feeling alone. It will probably require some deep changes within myself first though.
Regardless of how alone I may feel, I am NOT alone. And I'm trying to keep that in mind, even when I'm feeling super alone.
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