Thursday, June 16, 2011

Plank Pullin': Oh, it IS me.

You may or may not know that Hunter, my oldest, has been suffering from something that I can only call depression for years... but it's gotten worse since he's been home from the hospital. One behavior that he does that is disconcerting to me is that he will get frustrated about a screw up or failure (no matter how small or "insignificant" it might seem to us) and start to beat himself up... physically and verbally. He's banging his head into the wall while saying, "I'm such an idiot. I hate myself." Well, this is very upsetting to watch as I'm sure you can imagine.

For years I have thought and thought and thought, "Where is he getting this stuff from?" I was so stumped. Don't you have to learn this behavior? Where did he hear some idiot say such a thing?

Then the other day I was making my vegan lasagna. I slaved and slaved and slaved. I followed what I thought were the directions on the package. I quickly discovered that the noodles were essentially ruined. I didn't make them correctly to say the least (we'll leave the sad details out). I was mortified. I'd finally decided to make a lasagna. I'd wanted to do this for YEARS. Years I tell you! I'd finally remembered to be proactive while at the store... and since Whole Foods is often so terribly expensive I was faced with costly noodles or even more costly noodles as my two options. The ones you boil were 7o cents less than the ones that do not require boiling. I decided to save the 70 flippin' cents. This was a bad decision.

I went off. I told my husband a mouthful. He was laughing at me. I was so stupid. Worthless. Helpless. Can't do anything right. A moron. I sucked. Why did he marry me? What the dump was wrong with me?

Now, in my defense, this was all coming directly after I'd been "unfriended" by someone who was finally just done with me and my OPINIONS that I seem to keep expressing (how DARE I have a point of view) and after some people bullied me in a group that I'd been a part of but left as a result of the situation. So I was already feeling pretty lousy about myself. I always feel rejected by someone. Always. But this had been too much for my ego to take all at once.

Then the next day Hunter had another one of his melt downs and suddenly, as I heard the negative words coming from his mouth, I realized that he was repeating what he'd heard me say. Not verbatim... but the general idea. And maybe I have been saying these things for years? Maybe I haven't. I'm not sure. But I do know that it's quite possible that he is merely doing what I do. Perhaps were are just the same kind of sick on the inside. And I hate this. Because it is not easy being me.

I may not feel like a self-confident strong women. But the next time some crazy ass conservative gets mad at me for linking to an article or some "group of Christians" start accusing me and claiming to know my heart and I am left feeling particularly vulnerable and then a few days later I happen to ruin dinner... well, I'm going to force myself to do the Stuart Smalley thing. Because after all, people. I AM good enough. I am smart enough. And gosh darn it, some people like me. A lot of people actually. Dat blame it.


And, in case you were wondering, I actually didn't completely ruin dinner. I used the noodles the way that they were and we ate the entire lasagna and no one got sick and died... they just complained that the noodles were a little too chewy... which was actually a significantly better reaction to dinner than I get on most other days. So, despite my screw up, I'm still WINNING.

Now, get on over to Pull a Plank out with Jessica at Bohemian Bowmans. You know you have several of them, you crazy imperfect human you.