For the most part, I try to stay positive. After all that we've been through over the past 10 months, I somehow keep my chin up, my hopes high, and my spirits soaring. I even decided to begin a new blog about finding joy, hope, and gratitude in each day during our "life after leukemia". But despite my typical state of mental and emotional health and stability, I do occasionally have a break down. A fragile moment where it all hits me... where I think, "We've just been through hell and back."
Tonight, I had one of those moments.
My husband is lucky enough to have connected with our church's soft ball team. It's a group of men who have been good pals and great teammates for the past two years. He really enjoys playing and I'm glad that he has this outlet. It's good for his health, his spirit, and no doubt it helps him release pent up emotions leftover from our most recent crisis.
This evening he had a game. The weather was perfect (warm and breezy). The time was perfect (6:00... not so early that we would be dealing with the hot sun and not so late that the kids would be ready for bed half way through the game). The location was perfect (four minutes from our house)... or so I thought.
You see, the ball field near our house is where Hunter and Ronin used to play baseball. This time last year, we spent nearly every evening and every Saturday at the ball park. We loved it. The kids loved it. Hunter had just attended his first practice of the fall season the day before his diagnosis.
Tonight was the first time I'd been to that ball field since last spring.
I piled the kids in the van and the four of us started the walk across the parking lot towards field 8. As we entered the gates, my breath was taken away. I was overwhelmed with so much emotion. Suddenly I was in tears. I was crying from the memories of what life was like B.L. (before leukemia). I remembered that just a year ago, we were really starting to get our acts together. I was feeling better. The kids were happier. There was so much possibility. We were having fun. Little did I know that just a couple of months after the baseball season ended, our world would be turned upside down.
I felt grief.
I felt sad.
I felt a huge amount of loss.
But I also felt hopeful, joyful, and grateful. And now I'm off to write about that here.
I just needed to get this off of my chest first.