Friday, February 26, 2010
Today I was grumpy. So grumpy, in fact, that when a friend and her kiddos came over for an already planned artdate, she politely suggested that they come another time. Glad I was able to snap out of it and that they stuck around. Anyway, physically I feel rotten but I knew there was something else going on and this evening, as I lay crying on the couch because no was was able to rub my throbbing foot, I realized the true root of my problem. Sunday is the fourth anniversary of mom's death. Last year was not too difficult. So, logically, I was thinking that this year would be even easier but I'm thinking maybe not so much. Of course, last year I was preparing for the birth of a baby boy and so I was rather distracted. That might have something to do with the difference. But honestly, I think it's the number. The four. I had decided at some point that on the 4th anniversary I would have finally obtained possession of her ashes. My big plan was to let the Donut pick out a plant or a tree and we would bury her placenta with my mom's ashes and have a special ceremony. I had this all planned out in my mind and it was lovely and special and was this perfect way to tangibly memorialize her. There was just something so poetic about the physicality of it all. But of course I don't have my mom's ashes and I'm no closer to having them than I was four years ago. One thing that I have learned through this experience is the whole burial/cemetery/grave marker makes more sense once you have experienced the death of a close loved one. I think that I would have particularly found it to be healing considering the way that her death and the aftermath played out. (I used to never understand why people buried their loved ones and then put up markers. Even made fun of it.) At any rate, I think that I've pieced together the mystery of why on earth I am feeling so totally nutso right now. Hopefully Sunday will be a nice peaceful family day. Maybe the kids and I will look through some old photos.