Thursday, January 29, 2009

Thankful for feeling a heck of a lot better Thursday

So, after whining and moaning last night I will try and redeem myself by posting an uplifting and positive message which is what I try to make blog entries each time.

When I got up this morning I could tell that I felt a bit better. I had started using my progesterone cream again and I didn't yesterday. I think it's quite likely that the extra female hormones contributed to my being a little extra female-ish. So this morning I could already tell was a drastic improvement over the tearful Wednesday that I wrote about. I only wanted to cry. Hey, I'll take it!

I was relatively productive this morning... ran the dishwasher, did the laundry, printed some "school" stuff, organized school folders, and did a ton of computer work for Artsy Mamas and a new book discussion group for parents at my church.

The Captain announced that we had sold our van (Thank you LORD) and we would need to travel to Clarksville in order to deliver it to the buyer. Uh oh. This meant that I'd have to drive separately, through Nashville, all the way to Clarksville. I am not a fan of driving on the interstate. I will do it. I refuse to live in fear like my mother and just simply never go anywhere because there might be a highway involved. But that doesn't mean I crave the busyness of the traffic in the city. No, I'd prefer to avoid it. And with the way that I've been feeling lately, I just knew that this was a panic attack waiting to happen.

But I did it anyway. I took a double dose of Rescue Remedy Pastilles and brought along some old music that I'd not heard in a while. About twenty minutes into the trip, I started to wonder if my decision to listen to Tori Amos was such a good idea. The lyrics to "Silent All These Years" took me back about 14 years and forced me to think about boys, and speech team. "Winter" took on a new meaning as I have given up on having an earthly daddy and instead have embraced the concept of letting my heavenly father scold me for a low self-esteem. "When you gonna make up your mind? When you gonna love you as much as I do?" According to Tori, a dad should always want his little girl near. But things do change, don't they?

Once we hit Nashville traffic, I started to feel the panic arise. But I made the decision to NOT look ahead to the cars "up high" and to just take it a few feet at a time. Before I knew it, we are on the long stretch to Clarksville and there was snow surrounding us. Quite a relief. A few REM songs, laps around the local Walmart and a tour of the inside of a particularly great but smelly Goodwill, and we were heading back out of town. No panic attack. Not even a little one.

A delicious dinner at Couva Calypso Cafe in East Nashville and an effort of team work resulting in unloading the dish washer and putting away laundry landed me safely on the sofa with very little long term damage.

I am thankful for the time spent with my children, the sweater I found at Goodwill, the encouragement from my husband that I'm "doing great", excellent behavior from He-Man, and for of course, the buyer of our old van.

Most of all, I'm thankful for feeling better and for all of the prayers that were said on my behalf today. Just a few more weeks. I can do it.


  1. Wow, I can totally relate to this blog. My mom has severe anxiety attacks when driving. It used to be just the highway, but now she can barely drive anyplace alone. Occasionally I get panic attacks when driving on the highway too or if I'm someplace I'm not familiar with. I have a horrible sense of direction and get lost easily. Tomorrow afternoon I am taking the boys by myself to some new friends' houses' which I have never been to before, about a half an hour or more from here. I have to take the interstate and have been in a panic all week. I really want my hubby to come, but I'm stopping at two girlfriends' houses to have some mommy/ playdate time, and it would be a little weird if I drug him along just because I'm afraid to drive. I know I have to just be brave and pray I don't panic or get lost. More than anything don't want to end up like my mom either! I know that fear and anxiety are not of God, and I just have to pray my way through it and distract myself somehow. Also, I used to be a Tori fanatic and her song lyrics bring back a flood of memories to me as well. I am so proud of you for making it through the day, it gives me hope that I can too and it's good to know I'm not alone. :) Oh, and part of what I loved about Nashville is that you could get to MOST places by taking back country roads and never had to get on the interstate. I realize it was a bit of a crutch for me though. Happy you're also doing a little better today. :)Sorry this is so long!

  2. Yay for feeling better! :o) -Amy

  3. It's hard, isn't it? You are going to make it!

    Glad to meet you via my friends Blonde Mom and Busymom : )


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