Ya know, I almost posted this yesterday. Almost. But that part of me that really wants to stay positive and is almost embarrassed when I say anything negative just wouldn't let me. Now, I just can't help myself. I suppose there are people in the Bible with incredible faith who had to vent or doubted God or who were whiny once in a while. Still doesn't help me to feel less guilty for griping when I have it so good. And things could really be worse. Yet I find myself singing HoJo nonetheless ("Things Can Only Get Better" for you non-80's freaks out there).
We feel as if we are entering a time of trial, much like Job. Job from the Bible, not Job from "Arrested Development", although it is almost becoming like that.
When I collapsed on the steering wheel after being rear ended in the parking lot of Pet Smart last week, I realized that I was starting to feel sorry for myself. And yet things have been even harder since then. An entire day of severe contractions followed by a day involving a pretty nasty mouth injury that He-Man had to endure just from minding his business and walking across the floor. The Donut fell three times in the 24 hours following her brother's injury and each time I felt like I was sinking further and further into a hole. A hole of helplessness. I had to help her by picking her up and holding her once and ended up with light brown spotting and the "twinges" that indicate the advancement of abdominal separation. Oh, and a few contractions occurred. While I was thankful that she was okay each time she fell, I still started to feel sorry for myself and to feel like I couldn't handle it... it being everything or anything.
Early this morning, I was laying in bed after awaking a little early and I was praying. Suddenly, He-Man's arm flails out of nowhere and his fingernail hits me in the eye. Six hours later, the pain had increased and my sweet husband decided to call a doctor and to get me in to see someone. He'd been through this ordeal before. About nine years ago. I scratched his cornea. Karma and its little paybacks, huh? But anyway, so we went and it was confirmed that my eye is, in fact, scratched. Antibiotic drops, a hot compress, lots of rest, and lubricating drops were prescribed and here I sit, trying to deal with the discomfort and knowing that I really need to be resting my eye. But I also need to get this off my chest.
Things are hard right now. I'm really confused about the extra challenges. So many people I know are losing loved ones, dealing with serious illness, losing their jobs, divorcing, facing a serious condition in their child, unhappily married... the list goes on and on. People have hardships. WE have had hardships over the past three years to the point where I can't even begin to imagine how we survived it (God's GRACE). It's just that I really want a break. I need things to be easier. I want things to be easier. Mostly for my husband's sake. He is working himself to death with very little financial return. He is tired. We miss each other. He wants to go hiking or camping or just to a fencing tournament and the time is simply not there. He has his priorities in order and I know this. He's doing what the Lord expects of him. But man, I want to see him happy. I want to see him full of himself to the point where his ego won't fit through the door. I am so in love with that man and I want better for him. He deserves a break. He really does. He's an amazing man.
I don't even know how to pray anymore. I feel selfish when I ask God to help us out when we are in a much easier place than so many others. Yet, I feel weary and like I need a change. A breakthrough. A car to sell or for my man to tell me that he made a great deal at work. Something to make me feel as if this ton of bricks isn't on my shoulders... that times they really are a changin' and that things are going to get better instead of worse.