Wednesday, January 28, 2009

At home vacation: Day 2 Bites the Dust

At the last minute, our trip to Gatlinburg got canceled. I'm not handling it well. I have been a bit of an emotional wreck today. More guilt. Crying all day. Feeling like I'm suffocating. Usually I have a handle on these types of things but I think at 34 weeks into my pregnancy, I'm just learning to say, "Forget it" and let myself feel nuts. So, I'm at a crossroads. I'm trying to decide if I should start taking my "all natural antidepressant" again. I take 5-HTP when I'm not pregnant and I stopped because there is no research about its effects on pregnant people. But I've gathered up a little info and all signs point to "Take the stuff NOW". I'm scared though. I admit.

Man, am I scared. I'm scared of so much. I'm scared of this labor and delivery. I'm scared of the transition from two to three kids. I'm scared of the direction this country is headed. I'm scared of being a big failure in raising my kids. I'm scared of being a sucky wife, crappy friend, and even worse homeschooling mom. Most of all, I'm scared of not providing my children with the tools necessary for them to grow up and be Christians, pure, Godly parents and spouses.

I HATE feeling like this. Unsure of myself. Unsure of the future. Unsure of the decisions I must make. Normally when I have these thoughts and feelings, I have tools that I can whip out and one of them usually does the trick. I guess I feel as if I've run out of tools. I know that God is with me and He won't give me anything I can't handle. But I'm so exhausted from "handling" things for the past three years. I've had to be strong. I've had to force myself to move along and to "get over it". I just want things to be easy for a minute. I need to be able to catch my breath.

6 comments:

  1. Just....breathe...it will be okay. :o)

    Your kids will not turn into backwards dummies if you back off of the education until things settle and you feel better. That's the great thing about homeschool...you can make up for lost time in the summer if you need to.

    Relax....don't worry about being a bad friend. No one is expecting you to be an entertainer or have all answers or be the rock right now. Let your friends take care of you. :o)

    It is perfectly fine to be the one in need. I have been where you are before. After my stroke and having to learn how to walk and write my name and basically live all over again, I felt EXTREME guilt because I used to be the one that took care of everything and now everyone was forced to take care of me. But then I saw that it gave people joy to do those things for me and they honestly just wanted me to rest so that I would be well.

    And that is what your friends and family wish for you. Rest, take care of yourself, be well. All will be okay. If you stress, your kids will as well. If you relax, your whole home will feel you are calm and they will be calm.

    p.s. I gave your gift to Kristi so I hope you get it soon. :o)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mandy, I am so sorry that your trip was cancelled and that you are having a hard time. I realize I just met you and don't know you very well yet, but please know that I do understand the fear and uncertainty of life. Sometimes we just get overwhelmed and everything hits us at once and our brains go on overload and we have a meltdown. I've been there! Pregnancy hormones don't help either! I just wanted to you to know that I lifted you in prayer this morning. I pray the Lord will give you His peace, and things will turn around for you. I look forward to meeting you in person soon!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks for all of the encouragement, girls. I feel better today. And each day is a new one, right? :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm sorry you're scared.

    I'm scared too a lot. And I worry a lot.

    It's not fun.

    Sometimes, I just start crying.

    And I'm not even pregnant!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sometimes I worry that all my boys will remember about me when they get older is how much I cried all the time. I want to appear strong to them, but it is in our moments of weakness and vulnerability that our children are able to see us not just as parents, but as real people with feelings and emotions. It's okay not to have it together all the time. I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember and most days it is difficult to get out of bed. You are not alone, there are many others who understand what you are going through. God knows how we struggle and in our moments of weakness and vulnerability all we can do is let go, allow God to carry our burdens, and pray that He will provide us with enough strength to get through another day.

    Big comforting hugs,
    Erin

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow..sounds like you and I had a very similar week in some respects. I love you dearly..I know nothing to change the way you feel and when I'm upset over something, I usually just want to be able to sit and figure it out on my own. So, I'll let you be to yourself..but just for a piece of encouragement to get you going today. I love you, I think you are the most hilarious Mom I know, I think you are going to do great with 3 kids and the labor, and I think that God made you pretty great.

    I hope your vacation works out soon somehow. I'm here if you need anything. I can run something over if needed. Is another Braid night in the works? LOLOL

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for reading my blog and for commenting! Please make sure to leave your name and an email address so that I can respond to your comments! I hope you have a blessed day!