At the last minute, our trip to Gatlinburg got canceled. I'm not handling it well. I have been a bit of an emotional wreck today. More guilt. Crying all day. Feeling like I'm suffocating. Usually I have a handle on these types of things but I think at 34 weeks into my pregnancy, I'm just learning to say, "Forget it" and let myself feel nuts. So, I'm at a crossroads. I'm trying to decide if I should start taking my "all natural antidepressant" again. I take 5-HTP when I'm not pregnant and I stopped because there is no research about its effects on pregnant people. But I've gathered up a little info and all signs point to "Take the stuff NOW". I'm scared though. I admit.
Man, am I scared. I'm scared of so much. I'm scared of this labor and delivery. I'm scared of the transition from two to three kids. I'm scared of the direction this country is headed. I'm scared of being a big failure in raising my kids. I'm scared of being a sucky wife, crappy friend, and even worse homeschooling mom. Most of all, I'm scared of not providing my children with the tools necessary for them to grow up and be Christians, pure, Godly parents and spouses.
I HATE feeling like this. Unsure of myself. Unsure of the future. Unsure of the decisions I must make. Normally when I have these thoughts and feelings, I have tools that I can whip out and one of them usually does the trick. I guess I feel as if I've run out of tools. I know that God is with me and He won't give me anything I can't handle. But I'm so exhausted from "handling" things for the past three years. I've had to be strong. I've had to force myself to move along and to "get over it". I just want things to be easy for a minute. I need to be able to catch my breath.