Sunday, August 10, 2008

Pregnancy Update 2

As many of you might know, I gave birth to my second child at home. And yes, I meant to do that. I had a planned home birth and a midwife (or two actually). Life was complicated at the time that I had Donut as she came along only 8 days after I discovered that my mom had 7 brain tumors and was sure to die in the near future. Let me tell you... there is nothing worse than extreme grief during labor/childbirth/post partum. I would not wish such an experience on my worst enemy. Often, I have felt that I was being punished for something but I know that's not how the world works. It's just one of those "rites of passages" I had to go through for some unknown reason. One day, in the afterlife, maybe I will understand it. Since the diagnosis, I had felt as if my daughter was clearly some type of consolation prize for having to lose my mom. We certainly were not trying to have a baby and by no means did we want a girl. But here she came anyway, at the weirdest time possible. The years following her arrival were not easy. I say years because I feel that I've just gotten myself back on track within the past couple of months. I was on the verge of a full-blown psychosis last fall and without going into details, my family was at the brink of disaster. With the support and prayers of a few folks who stood behind me, I managed to overcome my situation and find help for myself. The help came in the form of a supplement called 5-HTP. I'm not a fan of pharmaceuticals and so I stepped out on faith and started taking the all natural anti-depressant. It's not for everyone and I'm not suggesting that YOU take it. I'm just saying that it's what I took. And it worked really well for me. And I'm so glad because I believe that it's the reason I am still married and possibly still alive.

It's hard to know if my situation was caused only by grief over losing my mom to death and my father to estrangement or if it was largely a result of severe anemia during and after my home birth and the terrible recovery period from 40 hours of labor that I experienced. Most likely, it was a combination of all of the above. What's NOT hard to know is that I refuse to go through that again. Any of it. My biggest concern is that I've had to stop taking the 5-HTP because there is not enough research about taking it while pregnant.

So, I'm taking precautions. Friday, the Captain and I met with a midwife at Vanderbilt. Tearfully I told her about losing my mom, the hell of the past two years of my life, how I'd just started to regain my foothold and suddenly, bam, I'm pregnant again. She was kind. She listened. She isn't going to pressure me to take drugs. I really felt at ease in her presence and after we left, when my wonderful husband said that he, too, really really liked her, I was relieved. Because I've been in prayer about what to do about baby #3 (as if I knew it would be sooner than later despite our efforts to delay its arrival) since baby #2 got here. And every time I've prayed, my answer was so obvious always: Vanderbilt Birthing Center. But when we got to the office, I felt uneasy and it almost seemed a little ghetto. So, when I ended up loving the midwife assigned to me, I suddenly felt such a burden taken off my shoulders. She's going to set me up with a specialist and I'm highly encouraged to do talk therapy throughout this pregnancy. I think that's a good idea. It certainly cannot hurt.

As for the baby... I've felt a little off about this pregnancy. When I was pregnant with number one, I knew it was a boy. When I was pregnant with number two, I knew we were having a girl. With this one, I get no reading. I'm hoping it's because of stress and unresolved issues. But just in case, we go in for an ultrasound on Wednesday. Please say prayers that baby number 3 (or babies numbers 3 and 4) are healthy and sound inside of me. And pray for me. Pray for peace, comfort and mental health.
Zemanta Pixie


  1.'re so tiny!!! I can't wait to see at the end when the belly is so cute and round!!

    Maybe since it's the third and you have one of each..the sex is just impossible to guess this time!! SURPRISE!! It's twins..a boy and a girl!!


  2. Oh sweetie!!! It's a perfect baby. I know it. I can't wait to have another one! (or two, hey, Jenkensing said it first) Lol
    LOVE YOUR GUTS, and tummy, and what's inside of it :)

  3. Girl, I know you are kidding but I wouldn't be surprised at anything with this pregnancy.
    At least it would explain why I feel like I'm going to die.

  4. You will definitely be in my prayers! I appreciate your openness and honesty. I cannot even imagine giving birth with that kind of grief and I really hope that baby #3 is a healing experience for you.

    Have you read the book Birthing from Within? It is on my bookshelf, but I have not read it yet. I have heard it is very helpful with grieving over disappointing birth experiences.

    Anyway, I am honored to be a part of some of what you are going through. I hope to be pregnant again someday in the near future, and all I know is that I want things to be significantly more peaceful and less stressful the second time around.

    p.s. I have those same glasses that you are wearing in this (cute) picture. I love them, but I'm actually planning to return them today because they are just way too big for my long, narrow face.

  5. Hi Kate,
    I have actually read BIRTHING FROM WITHIN but not since I was pregnant with the Donut. Not a bad idea for me to pick it up again I guess!

    Did you get your glasses from 39 Dollar Glasses? That's where mine came from and I agree that they are a bit big but for $39.00, I'm not complaining too much!

    Thanks so much for your kind words. xxxoo

  6. Wow! No, I got them from Target for $89.

    I've never heard of 39 Dollar Glasses. Where do I find this fantastic-sounding place?

  7. Honey, we're praying already, but thank you for being specific about your needs. We love you and look forward to hearing about your perfectly precious little bun in the oven!

    Love always,

  8. I, too, used the Vandy Mid-wives for both babies. I loved them. It isn't your house, but you are in good hands. They are so great. Did you hear about centering? That may be up your alley. Peace.

  9. I hope that everything turns out ok for you girl.

  10. Courtney- Thanks for telling me about centering last night. I'm going to shoot an email to my midwife and see what's going on with that. I'm really at peace about my decision.

    Jennifer- Thank you so much. Can't wait to meet you this month!!


Thank you for reading my blog and for commenting! Please make sure to leave your name and an email address so that I can respond to your comments! I hope you have a blessed day!