Apparently, the Lord has yet again laughed at our so-called plans and blessed us with another pregnancy. I know that children are a gift from God. I know this. And in a few months, I'm certain that I will start to feel blessed and excited about the reality of another little girl (according to the very accurate gender prediction chart) coming to join our family but for the moment, I honestly feel mortified. First of all, how?? HOW??? When I saw the plus sign pop up on the little pregnancy test, I kept feeling like someone was playing a nasty trick on me. It really really really seems impossible that this could be happening. Just ask my poor husband. I suppose after this pregnancy is over, I'm going to have to resort to some unnatural form of birth control. Seemingly, barrier methods aren't strong enough to keep my womb from blossoming with offspring. I feel like a baby-making machine.
I feel guilty for not being excited about this. Worst of all, I feel guilty because I am scared that this will somehow bring the whole Artsy Mamas concept and progression to a screeching halt. I don't know if I'll be able to juggle home school and taking care of another baby. And the sleep! And we JUST finished the whole diaper thing. And the breastfeeding. Sigh. I hate worrying. I hate not having faith. I hate being so selfish. It's really not attractive to me.
The Captain is such a hard worker. We're barely keeping our heads above water as it stands. Things are about to change for us, again. And I have no idea what is going to happen but I have a feeling that God is using this to: help me get my priorities in order and bring us closer together as a family. For some reason I guess I just thought that I was going to keep going about my own business, doing what I wanted to do. Clearly, God had different plans.
So, with open arms, I will welcome this new addition. Maybe this time I'll get to do it right. I'll be vocal about my needs during labor, which will not last 40 hours. My recovery after the birth will not be so devastatingly long because I will be in a hospital birthing center and not at home and I won't allow my labor to go on and on endlessly, which is unlikely to happen anyway because God is NOT going to spring horrible, devastating news on me near baby time. I'll have a support system of friends and a church family upon which I'll be able to depend for things like food and childcare. I can do this and I will.
Please pray for me to have strength and joy during this humbling and surprising time. Further, please pray for the health of the baby and that she will have brown hair and brown eyes ( hee hee).