The past few days have been terrible. I've received upsetting news that sent my brain into a tailspin and added bricks to the tall wall being built between me and my husband. Why is it that just when things are going really good and seem too good to be true... they probably are? I've been on the brink of... something for several days and I simply didn't know what to do with myself. But yesterday, out of necessity, I got into the van and went to do work for Mamapalooza Murfreesboro, distributing tickets to public locations, dropping off flyers, and giving out more sponsorship and contributors packets... holding onto the tiny hope that someone out there would want to give us a little money. I was even given the honor of being one of six official judges for the local High School Art Show. What a fun experience that was to observe these insights into the souls of teenagers, almost a whole generation behind me in age yet so very close (some boy had painted a piece about the Absurd humor of Andy Kaufman... so very close). While I walked around the square and walked into shop after shop, I realized that Murfreesboro is my home town now. Despite the fact that I've been working for so long to enrich the lives of Mothers and the Arts community for this small city, I'd still not really considered it to be my home. It's not that I really thought of Gallatin as my home. Honestly, I strongly dislike that town and I'd prefer to never step foot there again. I suppose the harsh reality is that I felt stuck... I didn't feel like I had a home. I felt like my home was somewhere in the universe... where ever my mom was. What a terrible, sad feeling that was. To not feel at home. How could that even be? My husband is here. My in laws are here. My very own children live here. But somehow I kept thinking of my stay in Murfreesboro as temporary. I was only here for a short while. Until I graduated from college... and then a few more years, right? But yesterday, as I walked into the stained glass shop and the nice lady with the blonde hair smiled at me and told me that she knew all about Artsy Mamas, I felt at home. As I walked into the local bookstore that serves cookies and coffee to customers for free (much like the bookstore I worked in and found a safe haven in when I was in high school) and the manager knew me, I felt at home. As I was walking around the square and ran into the editor of the local arts newspaper, and he knew me, I realized, I AM AT HOME. Murfreesboro is my city. My home town. The place where I am raising my family. And despite the drama surrounding the drama or the awkward connections to my past, I am home and I am okay with that.
The fresh air did me a world of good yesterday. I walked and walked and walked. I didn't have any little people yelling at me. No hands to hold. Just me, in the outdoors. Breathing in and out. It was amazing. I've opened the windows in my house today. Not all of them but quite a few. This has caused the children to be in an uproar. But I don't care. I love the sound of the breeze through the trees and the tinkling of my wind chimes. What I don't love is my extremely off season Halloween wind sock that I keep forgetting to have the hubby take down. Later for sure. I love my house so much. I've been blessed to be here for the past two years. I pray that we get to stay but if we lose this house then God has something else in mind for us.