Saturday, April 5, 2008

The first year of the rest of my life.

Lately I've been noticing that life feels quite literally brand new. I commented a couple of posts before that I didn't recall whether or not I experienced the two year molar hell with my first child. That struck me as odd. Then yesterday I pondered, "Does it normally rain this much in April?" I'm thirty years old and I've lived in Middle Tennessee my entire life. Surely I should know if there has been a lot of rain during the month of April in years past. But I don't. I suppose I could look it up in a Farmer's Almanac or something but that's not the point. The point is that I don't know. It seems less like a matter of remembering and more like a "noticing" issue. For a really really long time, I didn't notice a lot of things. This might come as a shock to people but I think that until this year, I've been living my life with blinders on. Unfortunately this was not because I was so focused on a goal that I didn't see the world around me (except for maybe when I was in the middle of a show in High School or when I was super psychology geek working my way up the food chain in order to be accepted into a phD program for which I never bothered to apply). No, it wasn't that. I think, and I'm not certain, that it was depression. I really truly think that I have been depressed since I was 13 years old. There have been short periods of time when I was less depressed than others. And those periods seem to coincide with my seeking the Lord. So then, two years ago, I lost my mom and I sought out the Lord a TON which is why I didn't lose my bloody mind right away. However, once I became distracted with all of the work I had to do with Artsy Mamas, and I forgot to seek out the Lord... I really lost it. All of the crazy madness of going from being the only child of an amazingly adoring woman, to having NO ONE really crashed down on me. I started to look elsewhere for spiritual guidance. I became really really confused. I wasn't even sure if I was a Christian anymore. Satan had me. Depression had me. I was screwed. But luckily there were some people in my life who were faithfully praying for me and I was pulled out. So, regularly attending church, and a daily dose of scripture, prayer, and 5 HTP seem to have saved me and I'm heading in the right direction again. So, spiritually I'm safe. Mentally I'm safe. Plus I'm eating well, taking healthy supplements, and I'm exercising regularly just because instead of just to get skinny. I'm doin' okay. Thus I notice that it rains a lot. And I notice that the world is filled with lovely colors. And I notice how funny and cuddly and cute my kids are. I see it all so vividly. Colors are brighter. Loss is less tragic. I'm less useless. I'm not worthless. I'm going to be fine.

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