Monday, January 21, 2008

HEY SLUT! Come out come out- where ever you are!!

Maybe she's gone because I've had two children, breastfed for three years solid, and I'm exhausted. No, that can't be, because, after all, I'm not a good mom and I never do a thing all day long. So, why would I be tired?

Maybe she's gone because my husband doesn't like me? Nope, he didn't like me when we were dating and I still wanted to have my way with him all day and all night.

Maybe she's gone because I'm fat and flabby and out of shape? That doesn't make sense. Even when I weighed 175 lbs and I could barely stay awake thanks to the prescription drugs, I still had energy for that.

So, what's the problem?
What do I need to do in order to fulfill my wifely duties? Benedryl for the kids in the middle of the day? Rent porn? Perhaps I can use my new found craftiness and create a set of Zach Braff and John Krasinski masks. Or maybe my husband needs to start wearing his pirate costumes around the house more often. Maybe we could look into some naughty costumes for me? I especially like this one. And I've already purchased my first erotic book.

I always imagined myself as the worshipped wife. My husband would come home to me cloaked in lace, candles burning, sexy music... at least three times per week. I'd have a whole stash of whips in my closet and the hypothetical children would go to bed at exactly 7:30pm and from that time until 10:30 would be time to get filthy. I'd forever be so comfortable with my sexuality that I'd have a rolling pin in one hand and a vibrator in the other, every man's dream come true... baking in the kitchen and cooking in the bedroom too. But most of all, I imagined that my husband would like me. He'd worship me. He'd think me the most amazing woman on the planet and he'd treat me like a queen. My goodness, how things change. Reality, and gravity set in. Terrible things happen, like death and betrayal, and lies. People grow apart. Children don't sleep. Schedules don't coincide. And you wake up and realize that you are not sexy. You're a nerd. And you aren't a queen. You're frumpy. And you're not a great big powerful woman, able to control any man of your choice just by the length of your tiny shirt or the sparkles on the butt of your jeans. You're a tiny little girl, terrified of your father, and sadly, terrified of your husband. And you are all alone. And you wish, that for just one day, you could go back to high school... a magical dreamland where sex lasted all day, all night, and the next day too... and at least one man worshipped the ground you walked on.

1 comment:

  1. You are a sexy nerd....lets have a toy party....

    ReplyDelete

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